Peace of Mind: You Don’t Need to Know What Others Think

There are two kinds of people, depending on how they act and, above all, how they think. Those who read a message and go on with their life and those who call their internal scriptwriters to mount movies in their heads. An example? “They only sent me an ‘OK’; what could that possibly mean?” If you are one of those people who continually see second and even third intentions in others’ responses to your messages, you probably belong to that second group.

Is there a correct group? For your mental health, yes: make everything matter less. Or, better said, avoid unnecessary rumination.

When you think silence says a lot

Emoticons, short replies, or the absence of a response on a phone can trigger anxiety reactions. Sometimes we believe we see much more in simple things. The hyper-interpretation can turn silences (or curt responses) into authentic emotional daggers. However, in most cases, they are fictional daggers. That doesn’t prevent them from causing a lot of pain and exhausting you more than a move in August.

The new detox is to stop building mental movies and start living your own life (plot twist: it was long overdue).

If it starts with ‘hyper’, we’re off to a bad start

The emotional hypervigilance is learned in biographies where paying attention to others’ mood was a survival skill. The adult pays the price with anxiety and a constant need for validation. Clinical psychologist Montse Escobar, head of the psychological department at Monarka Clinic, explains that this happens because “some people interpret neutral signals as something negative.”

This hyper-vulnerability to the words—or silences—of another person “occurs because your emotional system is more sensitive to possible signals of rejection, distance or conflict. When there is little clear information, the gaps are often filled with interpretations based on insecurities, past experiences or fear of rejection,” explains Escobar.

The reality behind the loop

The mechanism that pushes us to spin round and round things makes us believe it gives us more control. Yet, that is not the case. “Behind the constant over-analysis is usually a deep need to anticipate, control or avoid emotional discomfort. The problem is that the more you analyze, the more doubts appear,” emphasizes the psychologist.

The energy spent reading others is exhausting. “Living in perpetual awareness of other people’s emotional state consumes a huge amount of mental energy. Many people end up disconnecting from their own needs because they are too focused on regulating the external emotional environment,” notes Escobar.

Intuition vs. overanalysis

The expert urges learning to distinguish between what your intuition tells you, a form of intelligence derived from analyzing experience, and what anxiety screams at you. Learning to tell them apart is moving from living in other people’s heads to finally inhabiting your own.

“Intuition is usually simpler, clearer and calmer. Mental movies come with anxiety, urgency and overanalysis”,

the expert notes. If the supposed hunch you’re feeling asks for proof every ten minutes, it’s not intuition, it’s alarm.

How to avoid mental melodrama

Montse Escobar suggests starting by working on and improving self-esteem. “The more solid it is, the better we will tolerate uncertainty without taking everything personally.”

Getting out of there isn’t easy, but it’s worth it because it generates greater personal freedom. You can start by remembering an obvious truth often forgotten: it is not your responsibility to regulate other people’s emotions.

It’s okay not to know everything

We cannot always know what the person in front of us is thinking. And that is not a catastrophe. Tolerance of uncertainty is trained by avoiding filling every silence with explanations. For example, ask directly only when appropriate. Asking the other person if something is going on with you can at once defuse the movie you have built.

Turning attention back to your own body also helps cut the rumination circuit.

Freedom does not arrive when everyone around you smiles at you, but when you realize that what they think no longer scares you.